My paintings always bring with them a tumult of emotions that seem to need my attention. This new painting would shine a light on my relationships, beginning with my mother. I had spent much of 2012 dividing my time and focus between painting and looking after my mother. This entailed traveling 240 miles round trip to be with her. After Lifespirit was completed in September, I
was going to visit her three or four times a week, taking her shopping and to medical appointments. Then in mid-October she had a serious stroke and after a period
in hospital she finally passed away and cremated in the November.

When I began Fire of Purity in December, I was at loose ends. I was feeling the loss of my mother but also a new freedom from the responsibilities of taking care of her. And I was ready to begin painting again. So I set to work on the rough design. I was getting the clear impression that this work would stir up my life again, reigniting some old feelings of loss.
 

I was, at this point, one year beyond a relationship breakup that I thought had been laid to rest. Apparently not. The feelings that emerged were not so much a longing to be reunited with this woman. I was well aware that relationship wasn’t ever going to give me what I was looking for. My first attraction to her included all the facets of who she was. Some facets were challenging, but it wasn’t for me to ask her to change and I was actually mesmerised by the uncertainty of the relationship and its on-off nature.

Oddly, this gave me an emotional fire that I was unused to. We would have long battles of words in which I tried to convince her that we had a lot to offer each other. However being in relationship with me can be challenging as well. When I am consumed with painting, I dedicate most my waking hours to my art. There is very little time left over for myself when I live alone or for a partner when I am in relationship. When I have finished painting for the day I’m exhausted and not at all inclined to struggle to find words to express myself or engage in conversation. In this recent relationship,watching television became our default for time together and there was rarely any deep, meaningful sharing of our days. Plus doing so might bring up conflicts and issues that would require energy to resolve, energy I just didn’t have. I completely understand how the woman in
this relationship, as had women in other relationships, considered my art to be ‘the other woman.’ The demands of art and partnership were always much in conflict and always took a toll.

So although feelings of loss for this relationship surfaced, I was alone again. Along with the ending of my book contracts, this relieved a great deal of pressure. I now had more time to discover who Courtney was. I had time to write down what was happening internally and sit with the clear insights this always produces for me. So often the clear perceptivity brings answers that are surprising and unexpected. This time there was more an energy of analysis rather than confrontation, and a very tangible sensitivity.

I didn’t know then but even though I had hoped for new companionship, the Universe in its wisdom decided that this would be the start of a long period of being on my own. For I was at the beginning of another very turbulent part of my life that would eventually lead me to Ireland and the Hill of Tara.

 

The initial sketch for Fire of Purity was finished and began to start painting. But it felt like I was painting against a resisting force. My connection to the creative impulse wasn’t there and then the motivation to continue with the work just dropped away. I felt no inclination to finish it. I went to look at the unfinished painting again five years later as I began writing this book. Oddly, the sense I received was that it was beyond my artistic capabilities to complete it. I wasn’t exactly sure how to take that insight. Was there some deep rooted inner work that needs to be cleared before I could continue with it?  Had I released what ever needed releasing and so the painting had accomplished its mission and it didn’t need to be completed?

It was very unusual for me to stop a painting. They had always worked themselves out before. No matter how unsure I was at any point, suddenly the inclusion of an addition to the drawing or added dash of colour would bring transformation and completion. I can only remember one piece years ago that I was very unsure about. I stopped for a cup of tea to think of what to do to reignite it and while I was away from the painting my very young daughter decided, completely out of character, to crayon her input all over the picture. And so the decision made for me. Fire of Purity. The story behind this painting is thatLife isn’t about being loved, it’s about giving yourself and others absolute love. Often I the past when I’ve been in a dark place, I would begin to attract people into my life who needed help and I would have to step out of my own hurt to alleviate their pain. Remembering that my own distress arises from my thoughts, and being able to separate from those thoughts and not feed them energy, I could come to a still point of pure love. And I could share that realization and that energy with others.