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Stepping Into The Fire 2012

                                        Completed when Saturn passed across the Sun in 2012 

I always have the feeling of my heart opening up when I start a new painting. This is often accompanied by a feeling of restlessness, walking around, finding other jobs to do rather than picking up my pencil to begin the sketching process. I become very emotional as the energy starts to draw close. My whole body begins to vibrate, especially the right side of my face in which I
get a sparkly pins and needles sensation.

The essence of this energy is powerful. And in Labyrinth I felt like I had only captured a fraction of it. I determined that this was due in part to the materials I was working with. Using acrylics was just too slow. So I decided I would return to working with only gouache for this next paining. It dries very quickly, gives a nice bright colour, offers an even, smooth texture to the lines, and suits the speed of the painting’s progress. 

As I began this new piece, I knew I would need to immerse myself completely in it. I would need to go much deeper within myself. The day I began, I offered myself totally to the expression of the Universe and asked for guidance to do what ever it would take to strengthen the connection and channel that power into the art. I did a little ritual to empower the energies, spreading Christ
Aura Soma oil and some ash given to me by Mother Amma down my third eye. It was something of a grand gesture. I know that keeping my physical body in the best shape I can is the most sincere gesture of devotion to the work. But this ritual was the demonstration of my true heart. At least when the chaos begins I know I have asked for it.

I opened to the Universe. And I was taken at my word. Stepping Into The Fire is aptly named. The next three weeks were an emotionally painful examination of my heart. I was led to some dark places that I had long thought were hidden. Places I had been afraid to come to terms with and needed to fully resolve. It’s so easy to attend a workshop and think we have released our past stuff. That we have broken the chains and can now move forward. But I realised the hooks of these dark places were deeply embedded. There were many layers to release and I hadn’t even started yet.


Although the fire was more a cleansing and releasing of very old and past memories rather than heat and flame, it certainly pulled up old traumas for me to see and evaluate. I now viewed these memories from various angles of perception, seeing them more clearly and in a more balanced way. I was presented with situations that were very much about feeling hurt, betrayed, and victimized. Situations that had hindered my self worth and now needed to be set free and cleared. Standing in this fire was the beginning of seeing perceived problems in a new light. They became challenges to a greater understanding and to my growth rather than my downfall. I could see how fear had ruled my life, always the specter of bad news waiting in the wings, grim possibilities just around the corner. Even when times were good, fear had overshadowed me. And I realised just how much I
had missed in my life by pulling in the reins of true and complete expression, by taking a safer route.
As the painting progressed, the intensity of the connection increased. I was conscious of lots ofactivity around and within me. Sometimes it would rise up through my spine and then expand into the back of my skull, the pressure so strong that I thought my head would explode. Often starting at 6am, I worked long hours, totally lost in the work, hardly eating or drinking. I was often awakened in the night and summoned to work on certain sections of the painting with the urgency of immediate completion. The only time I had to myself was my morning coffee ritual by the sea. And even then, while physically away from the art, I would find myself writing down the thoughts that consumed me. Thoughts of understanding this passage of discovery I was on, fat chance.........

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